I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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