i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
