from now on my penis is your penis
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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