got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
