So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
