Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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