Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
