I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
