So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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