I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
