Princesses don't give blow jobs
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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