I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
