In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
