She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
