conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
