it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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