I need help removing her.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now