Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.