dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
