Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.