there's paper in my vomit.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.