You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
