Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Damn victory sex feels great
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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