The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
