Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
