I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i think im in europe. pls send help
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
