So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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