At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
