Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
