I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
