I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
