When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
