If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
