her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
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