I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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