I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
