It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
