what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
