R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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