my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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