Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
