I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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