Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
