you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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