I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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