How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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