Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
