She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
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pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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