If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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