I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
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He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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