There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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