I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
