I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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