Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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