Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
