New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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