I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
