Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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