remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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