At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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