If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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