I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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