I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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