Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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