Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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