hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
